We’ve all heard the news. The zodiac and star signs have changed. It’s official, and anyone born after 2009 has moved back 1 house to their predecessor on the zodiac wheel, except for Scorpio who got shit on. And there’s a newcomer, Ophiuchus, the red headed step-child of the bunch. Amongst all this chaos, I was able to divine some insightful characteristics about these new signs by looking into my big fat crystal ball. Check below for your horoscope and some fun facts about your new sign!
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 Jan. 20-Feb. 16 A most unfortunate destiny awaits thee, new Capricorn. You are fated to become a lactose-intolerant dairy farmer. New Symbol: The Tofutti Ice Cream |
 Feb. 16-March 11 You will be sucked into an alternate dimension where Sarah Palin is Queen. It sucks to be you. New Symbol: The Gun With 1 Bullet |
 March 11-April 18 A terrible mix-up while boarding a plane puts you in a dirty prison in Mexico where you spend the rest of your life known as “Gato.” New Symbol: The Enchilada |
 April 18-May 13 A ram will have his way with you… but don’t worry, you will like it! Oh my! Here he comes! New Symbol: The Rape Whistle |
 May 13-June 21 You invent a designer line of litterboxes. 10 years later, it is discovered that these litter boxes emitted radiation creating super strong, super mutant, & super mean kitties who will take over the world. New Symbol: The Evil Bag of Meow Mix |
 June 21-July 20 Gemini! Twinzies! You didn’t ever have one, but suddenly you do. An evil twin who tries to eat your face every time they see you. Beware! New Symbol: The Disco-ball |
 July 20-Aug. 10 Surprise, bitch! You weren’t a cancer, but now you are. Your sign hates surprises so much, that now you also have cancer. New Symbol: The Tampon |
 Aug. 10-Sept. 16 You will try acid once, and remain on an acid trip for the rest of your life! You will shout PLUR from the rooftops! New Symbol: The Glowstick |
 Sept. 16-Oct. 30 Whatever sexual orientation you were, you are now the opposite. Enjoy gay or straight life! New Symbol: The Rainbow, or not. |
 Oct. 30-Nov. 23 The sexiest of all signs, you are extremely sexy and awesome in all ways. Yup. You win. New Symbol: The Condom |
 Nov. 23-29 Now only good enough for 6 days instead of a full month, your sign develops a serious inferiority complex. You will become Lindsay Lohan. New Symbol: The Failed Life |
 Nov. 29-Dec. 17 You are the new kid in school. Everyone wants to get to know you. You’re mysterious and exciting. You have tons of new friends. Unfortunately you are fated to get a Twilight tattoo. New Symbol: The Douche Nozzle |
 Dec. 17-Jan. 20 As if fate wasn’t a cruel enough bitch, you find yourself on the set of Jersey Shore and they recruit you for the show! Enjoy your horrible life. New Symbol: The Fake Tan |
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Hey, Scorpios rule this world. Cuz I’m a Scorpio. And I rule this world. This should be an epic win!